Wednesday, February 11, 2004

I bet that Valentine's Day is perhaps the most universally despised "holiday" in blogspace.
All of us whiney, lonely souls, jealously sneering at the Happy Loving Couples making it look so easy.
"It's just a Holiday created by a greeting card company!" we shout at them!
They don't listen. They walk on by, not even listening to the crazy man screaming from the dungeon window.

The Day after Christmas, (the other Holiday i hate, but have to tolerate) I went to Wal-Mart to look for discounted candy. They were already putting up the Valentine's Candy displays.
Two Women in their mid-30s, one an obvious Soccer-Mom, the other, more of a Bridget Jones type, were already scanning the candies that were put out.
"Do you want a true opinion of this from a Man?" I asked them, trying not to make it sound like a pick-up line. They looked at me, one took a half step back, clutching her purse tighter.

"All This," I waved at the red hearts, "They only put it up now, so early, because they know that women will buy it for themselves, and eat it in secret all the way thru Valentine's Day."

"No man shops this early for a gift for his lover. We will wait. Starting around February 11th, we'll begin to cluster near this watering hole, testing, feeling the weights of the various foil hearts. Wondering if we've been good enough to the man in the boat this year to get away with the lighter one."

"The evening of the 13th, around 5:30, this aisle will look like one of those cartoon fight clouds, except the stars floating around it will be red hearts."

"That's how men shop for valentines. If these stores were really trying to sell this stuff to men, they'd wait until the week before the holiday to stock the shelf, and until then, they'd keep it seeded with fishing tackle and Swimsuit Calendars, and videos of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders."

"But no. They play upon your sentiments. They put it out now, knowing that you women will load up, even when you could go one aisle down and get Christmas Candy at Half-price!"

Soccer Mom spoke up then, "So what are you doing here now, Mr. Real Man?"

"I just stopped to see if they put out the jelly hearts I like. I don't have a Valentine, but I have to get my fix of those Jelly Hearts each year."

"There they are," said Bridget, pointing to a pile of Farley's bags on the shelf.

"No those aren't the ones I want. They have that sugar all over the outside. i want the plain ones.
The Ju-Ju Hearts."

" I guess I have to keep searching."

This Year Valentine's Day comes on a Saturday. There's that faint hope that I might could still meet somebody before the big night. I might "get Lucky" on the Friday Night before....

...wait. That's Friday The 13th. Dammit.

She was my Voodoo Queen, and She Stole my Ju-Ju Heart.

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